A Tragedy of William Shakespeare's Hamlet

“The tragedy of Hamlet must end in this final catastrophe: the death of all. “

In a shocking development in Denmark, the King, the Queen and the heir apparent have all been killed, along with several others according to a report by the Chief of Police.

In a related development, Prince Fortinbras of Norway has been selected by Hamlet to ascend the throne.

In what is inarguably the most calamitous period in the history of Denmark, the latest events an exclamation point to the intrigue and deaths surrounding the royal circle in recent days, beginning with the King Hamlet. That death, rumored to be at the hands of the recently dead Claudius, sparked royal intrigue which may have been behind the deaths of other prominent courtesans, such as Laertes, his sister Ophelia and their father Polonius, as well as Prince Hamlet’s close friends Ronsencrantz and Guildenstern.

It started when Hamlet discovers Ophelia is dead, and he and Laertes confront each other in the graveyard. The tragic sword match takes place. Laertes and Claudius know one sword is poisoned, and Claudius also poisons the wine and marks it with a pearl. Laertes and Hamlet both are wounded by the poisoned sword, at which time Laertes confesses to Hamlet the King’s plan to kill the Prince of Denmark, Hamlet. The Queen drinks the poisoned wine and dies. Hamlet then stabs the King with the same sword and makes him drink the poisoned wine. Hamlet dies, but not before he tells Horatio to stay alive in order to tell Fortinbras that he is Hamlet’s chosen successor to the throne. Hamlet is given a honorable burial, Fortinbras is the new King, and everything smells sweeter in Denmark.

“A tragedy of these proportions has never been matched,” commented a stony faced police spokesman. “I don’t know how we ever get to the bottom of this, but our primary witness to these events will certainly be Horatio, among others.”