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Very often a person faces the responsibility that he does not want to take on himself. Alain Ehrenberg (Busfield 2011), speaking of depression and explaining that modern society has given man freedom: henceforth neither religion nor authoritarian power can dictate to him what he should do. As he writes: “Modern democracy, being a huge good, has made us people without a guide, it forces us to build our own lives independently, to create our own criteria.” No one from outside dictates our beliefs and what we should be guided by, what moral or religious criteria. “He goes on to say:
“Depression is the pathology of a society in which the concept of norm is not based on a sense of guilt or on discipline, but on a person’s personal responsibility on personal initiative.”
Therefore, often a woman prefers her own safety to a sense of responsibility , she voluntarily accepts a subordinate position, and this helps her to avoid tension, which is an integral part of life, consisting of constant risk.
What is emotional addiction? This is when the self-perception depends on the view of the other person, his opinion. In the presence of this dependence (addiction) we have to constantly adjust to someone else’s opinion, think about what the other expects from us, and as a result of this behavior, a person becomes unable to build life based on his needs, he can not make independent decisions and to bear responsibility for these decisions.
Helping a child to grow is giving him the opportunity to overcome his own fears, to teach him to manage his own anxiety, and not to try to protect him from any danger, creating for him an unnatural world in which there are no dangers.
Such fear for the child, excessive guardianship does not prepare a person for independence, the girl does not learn to overcome her own fears, she prefers to rely on the other, thinking that she alone can not get out of difficult situations.
Freud, when he speaks of the castration of a girl, he implies a subconscious injury caused by the absence of a penis. Sometimes the sense of absence of a penis in a woman is replaced by the desire to have a child. Different psychoanalytic trends have different opinions on this score. The theory of Freud is based on the fact that women do not have what men have. These anatomical differences give birth to psychological ones.
According to the theory of Mélanie Klein (Levasseur Mélanie et al. 2015) the desire to have a penis symbolizes the desire to have power, a woman experiences anger towards a man from the fact that he has a penis, and she does not, this anger because she does not have the power that a man has and which has no woman. Power, in this case, symbolizes the power of the mother, and then the power of men over women.
Sometimes you can find in the desire of a woman to give birth to a child the desire to get this power through the birth of her own child, that is, subconsciously the child fills the absence of something (penis).
At the same time, excessive focusing on the child still does not solve the problem, does not allow the woman to get rid of her own dissatisfaction. It turns out that, on the one hand, the feeling of dissatisfaction does not disappear, but, on the other hand, such a view of motherhood hinders the normal development of the child himself. Excessive investing in a child with a narcissistic goal causes the child to stand in a place that he should not occupy, in addition – it is fraught with the mother’s disappointment and, in the end, her resentment for the child itself.
When the daughter, in turn, becomes a mother, she subconsciously enters into a rivalry with her mother, although at times there is a rapprochement between them.
However, in reality, everything turns out to be much more complicated.
A young woman values her child, her personal story, and her mother does not “let go” of her old habits, she sometimes wants to remain dominant, seeks to retain her power over her daughter, believing that she knows best what can be done better for a child than her daughter. At this point, the daughter believes that this child is proof that she herself can be a woman who has her own story, she does not want to let her mother steal this sense of freedom, once again. Therefore, when the mother insists that she knows best, she at that moment deprives her own daughter of her own child, and this again can devastate her daughter.
As soon as a daughter becomes a mother, she becomes equal to her own mother, and she can fulfill this role herself.Nevertheless, it turns out that she does not manage to behave as she would like, she does not feel completely free.
Her own mother served as an example to her in childhood, and now, when she becomes a mother in turn, the model of relationship with her own mother comes to the surface. She thought that she separated from her mother, that she was different, and it turns out that she behaves with her child just as her mother did with her, which is exactly what she did not want. This is because the daughter has projected inwardly both the qualities of a “good mother” and the quality of a “bad mother.”
Since the child depends on the mother, loves her, he justifies the mother, thinks that it is his fault, that the mother is not good for him. He includes these qualities in the image of a “good mother”, and then makes them his own. Thus, the anger that was directed against the mother he directs against himself, preferring to blame himself, and not the mother, in order to preserve the image of the mother as “perfect”, it was important for the child in early childhood.
If the child had accepted that his mother was “bad,” then he would have a sense of loneliness, which is simply unbearable for a child. To behave with your own child as a mother is subconsciously keeping in touch with her, which helps overcome the fear of separation from her. Having become mothers, women are drawing closer to their mothers, and they forget their past grievances. And even if they conflict with it on a conscious level, they will still behave with the child as their mother behaved with them in order to maintain this connection.
And this puts these women in a contradictory position in relation to themselves. They wanted to be gentle and loving, but they become harsh and strict. And once again they are angry with themselves, not with their mother. Sometimes a “bad” mother is one who concentrates on her own suffering, then she is not able to be attentive to others, to the child, and he feels it.
A depressed mother is a sad mother who does not have any desires that are not interested in anything and do not find pleasure in anything. And then she can not be interested in her own child, she can do it with pleasure. The child feels the suffering of the mother, tries to help her, he starts to think more about the mother than about himself, but he can not help her, and as a result he will only experience a sense of powerlessness from this experience. The mother will not be able to give him proper attention, and this feeling of lack, attention will remain in him.
As a rule, such women during the consultations say: “I’m not interested in anything, I have nothing to say.” If the mother could simply explain to the child that her sadness is not connected with him, that this is her personal problem, if she pushed him to the joys of the external of the world, she would help him: she would let him lose the sense of responsibility, guilt, and the girl can not stand when the mother is suffering, because this motherly suffering does not allow her to give her what she needs, that is, attention.
The daughter should not feel guilty for the suffering of the mother, otherwise her subconscious will constantly tell her that it is she who causes the mother’s adversity. Therefore, the daughter needs to work on herself, she must look into herself and be free from what she does not belong, and this is to build her own life and be happy.
Not detached from the mother, the daughter will behave just like the mother, because she still idealizes the mother and therefore can not be happy. Dissatisfaction with life is transmitted from mother to daughter. If the daughter is not separated from her mother, she will still wait for her approval.
As the psychoanalyst Nouri says (Chodorow Nancy J 2014), “there is always one among sisters who is idealized, it is she who should be the continuation of the mother, this is usually the one that looks most like a mother, she should always remain like her.” This daughter will behave , as a mother, he calls this phenomenon “the demand for repetition.” “The demand for repetition” is the method used by the mother in order to project herself onto her daughter, and thus make her daughter her own clone, thereby trying to overcome her own fear death and feeling Immortal self.