Are we to blame our physical qualities, or our own over-consciousness about the judgements that people make about us? There are different presumed and internalized social norms about our physical structures, which receive unlike judgements either from people around us, or they come from our own internal voice, and nobody is an exception in this regard. Indeed, we are constantly under severe judgmental surveillance. Different people from different communities, social strata, and cultural backgrounds have their own conceptualizations, cultural models, criteria and standards of judgements. I personally receive various comments and judgements from people of diverse class categories about my skin color, curly hair, white and well-shaped teeth, dumpy structure, and long nose. My skin color has always drawn the attention of people. As my father has a tan brown skin and my mother is fair, consequently, my complexion is a mixture of both of them. My friends appreciate my naturally tanned face, and wish they would have my rich brown color, which they believe is like the color of instant pudding. Whenever I receive such comments, I take them as inspirational compliments, which is definitely quite heartening. So many people show curiosity and keep asking me how I have tanned my body, and whenever I share my family background, they leave with motivating remarks, which actually has boosted my confidence about my skin color. It has given me a great feeling of self-appreciation. It is true that I have always considered my skin color an asset, my curly hair has also received high praise.
Most onlookers as well I myself admire my long shiny and naturally curled hair, and perceive it like a chocolate river. The dark color of my hair with synchronized waves add to the beauty of my hair. I feel my curly hair is like a golden crown topping the beauty of my looks. Whenever I look myself in the mirror, I realize a new splendor in my hair, which seem to act like a coquettish young teenager. It always creates a tremendous sense of petty narcissism, especially when complimented by old relatives that i am not close with. They usually ask me if I go to any special beauty parlor to curl my hair, which gives me a kind of intrinsic feeling of emotional stupor. It has always been encouraging to hear positive points from people whom you do not know that well, and say good things about your body. It naturally leaves an impression of acceptance and inclusion. In my case, it has always helped me feel positive, though sometimes it has been like a short anesthesia. Overall, apart from my curly hair, my beautiful teeth have always been appealing to me and others as well.
People mostly notice my white and well-shaped teeth. I have received many comments like, as white as clean sheets, or as white as snow. Indeed, I am absolutely aware of my teeth, and I know that people show good reactions; that is why I love to smile. Sometimes, I start feeling that the combination of my tanned skin, long curly hair, and well-leveled teeth can leave a significantly good impression on the viewers. Another memorable comment that I have received is that God has been too supportive of me while shaping my teeth. Such sweet remarks make one have a good feeling about one’s body. It is a good feeling that one realizes that she is being noticed and admired. Despite having appealing teeth, I have never succeeded in ignoring my dumpy structure.
My round body gives me the feeling to be different from others. The unfriendly and censuring watchful eyes push me towards a perpetual sense of uneasiness. Unconsciously, I keep on reminding myself of some bitter comments, which I receive, like I resemble a dumpling, or a mismatched creature. The beauty of my skin color, and my curly hair seem to be overshadowed by my abnormally shaped physical structure. I call it abnormal, because not only people, but I myself cannot get along with the wrong combination of my height and round figure. As a girl, I do not have enough confidence to get friendly with boys; I feel if they get close to me, it can be just for sympathy or making fun of me. Unfortunately, I have taken it for granted that I can never be an ideal person to enter a relationship. This frustrating feeling has made me almost secluded. It has made me feel phobic to mirror since I cannot digest the reality of my physique. Sometimes, I wish the whole thing were just a dream, and I were a person with a good height and a slim figure. Apart from dumpy structure, my long nose is another concern of mine.
Mostly people show various different negative reactions towards my long nose. Some pass me the remark, like the girl with the snout. It makes me quite diffident and uncomfortable. I personally feel that my nose is not a fit for the 21st century generation, which most of young girls and boys have made a trend to have a nose job. Whenever I see people judging me as an individual based on my nose and other physical characteristics, but not my other qualities, I feel a great sense of non-belonging in me. It makes me feel isolated and unwanted. I cannot tuck my nose behind my hair, and I cannot afford to have a nose job either. So, I must grin and bear it. The mixed comments that I mostly receive about my nose are agonizing and disappointing. It is a quite difficult task for me to deal with this point. Indeed, I feel embarrassed whenever someone even takes a glance at my nose. It makes me unsafe and uncomfortable. Overall, I cannot stop depreciating my nose; indeed this sense of consciousness towards my nose helps others pay more attention to it, which is really excruciating.
To conclude, I have various physical characteristics, which leave positive and negative impacts on me. My curly hair and brown skin color are my positive points, which draw the attention of friends, family and sometimes strangers. They make me feel beautiful and attractive. On the other side, my dumpy body and long nose are always like unwanted burden on me. They receive negative and sometimes caustic remarks, which make me feel miserable. I keep on comparing myself to others, who are not like me, and keep questioning the judgement norms, which are like scary nightmares to me. Indeed, I have become phobic to the eyes, who watch me, no matter if they see my beautiful curly hair and brown skin, or my faulty stubby body and long nose. Neither can I stop people from judging me, nor can I prevents myself from self-interrogation. I believe there are two issues about the impact of the judgements that I get from people. The first one is the reality of my physical characteristics, which people see and according to their cultural perception and standards express their views, and the other one is my personal consciousness about my own physical qualities that I define for myself and inevitably reflect it to others, and consequently, indirectly make others demonstrate their judgements on me. Hence, if I want to live a safe and sound life, I must respect my physical characteristics, and should not get disturbed by the judgements and reactions of the others; otherwise I will suffer the whole life.
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