Throughout your life people will often tell you that “Everything happens for a reason”, and while I may agree to that to some extent, I also believe that it isn’t necessarily your job to find those reasons. Sometimes it’s okay to avoid the painful journey of “finding the truth”, sometimes it’s better to just focus on accepting things despite the lack of clarity and- move on.
I met my first love during my adolescent period. I found someone who was interesting. We liked the same music, had the same sense of humor, so on and so on, someone I was compatible with. She lived somewhere far from my place, and I had no driving license, so seeing each other meant we either had to meet halfway by bus, or commute a total one and a half hours to each other’ s house. It was worth it every time.
School was even more intense since there was getting closer to SPM, and it meant accumulating stress that I had to control, I did pretty well, I balanced my priorities between school, friends, family, a part-time job and her, we were a stable relationship, or so I thought. We had a mutual agreement that honesty between us was important, it meant sharing everything with each other, no secrets, it meant setting aside our egos, no arguments, but what it came down to most of all, was trust. But after 2 years of being together, that agreement was broken.
I remember it happened on Sunday in the evening, I received the text: “ Hey, wanna webcam? ” I found it was odd because usually we do that together right before going to bed. But I got on, I started the call and I saw her was crying. Then I asked her what’s wrong and she replied me she wanna break up. When I heard those words after believing I am in something so solid, so stable, I became flooded with concern and curiosity. “Why now? Why not earlier? What did I do wrong? ” Those questions branched out into more and more until I was left with an insatiable tree that seeks the truth. Only few of my questions were answered, but even then, the trust was already broken and I was compelled to discredit any truth in her answers. I went to sleep hoping this was all a nightmare, but I woke up the next day, only to face the harsh truth that the world continues.
No matter what, losing a loved one is just losing, if you fall behind, then you are left behind. My friends tried to console me, but their words were drowned beneath the questions in my head. “Will we ever be friends again? Why didn’t she tell me something was wrong? I miss her, I miss her so much.” I eventually came to accept my situation and in an attempt to fix myself. I figured all I needed to do was find someone new, you know when your toy breaks and it can’t be fixed, you go and get a new one. But that’s an unreliable ideology, it doesn’t work for everyone.
I went searching. Countless girls, countless dates, all non-compatible. This went on for a year, and I eventually gave up, I didn’t have to waste all the time putting my dignity on the line. At the same time I gave up, I got over her. I still missed her being part of my life, but accepted that she was now a thing of the past, something that I can’t bring back. She was a previous chapter of which I can only indulge in re-reading the story, but not re-live the experience. I gave up the search and questions, they didn’t need answers. You see, when a toy breaks, you are not always ready for new one, sometimes you have to remain in that state of being without a toy to reflect upon yourself, you have to learn to be strong on your own and exist in independence, you are not supposed to go looking for a new toy, you wait until you’ve earned it as a gift.
People will often tell you that “Everything happens for a reason”, but it isn’t necessarily your job to find those reasons. Sometimes the best thing to do is just accept and move on.
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