There was a time in my life when I lost track of myself. The fear of losing myself is debilitating for me at times. This fear takes me into a heavy dark anxiety that grabs hold of my chest and crumples hard in the most unforgiving way.
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I can still clearly remember how it all started. I was in the ninth grade when I had to face my problems alone. I thought I was going to fail in maintaining my spot in the first section and that scared me so much. Then I caught my best friend talking behind my back and spreading some things about me. I was about to open her phone when a message popped out, to my surprise the whole conversation was all about me. It broke me into pieces because I have been the truest friend that she could ask for and yet she chose to betray me. That was the time when I started being distant to the people around me. Eventually, time healed the pain that my best friend has caused. I started being that same old outgoing enthusiastic girl and luckily I was able to find new buddies. I thought that was the end of my agony, until just last school year I had to sacrifice my happiness and chose to disregard what my heart wants. I thought that it would be okay for me to let someone go in exchange for my friend’s happiness. I was kind enough to give way and set aside the fact that that person I sacrificed was also the same exact person that I wanted to keep. I became so selfless to a point where I tend to share the things that I have without noticing that there is nothing left for me. I was not that same old happy girl anymore. In my mind, I was frail, too drained to deal with the reckless decisions I have committed. I gave up and began my downward spiral into oblivion and isolation. I knew at the time that I was doing the wrong thing but I sat back and watched myself fall apart and get lost in the pain that life has thrown at me. When I was finally able to begin pulling myself together I wasn’t able to recognize myself probably because I already changed into someone that I am not. I felt like it will never be the same and my life was not my own anymore.
In the process of trying to put myself together again, I found a new me. I discovered how precious life really is, and how it’s not only about the things in life but also the people who are in it. For once, I want to prioritize my own happiness first. I may have lost my self but I have gained self-love and self- worth. The painful experiences made me believe that sometimes I have to lose myself in order to find out who I am and what I really want.
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