For a very long time I was in a toxic relationship. I wasn’t being treated the way a girl, woman or anyone for that matter, should be treated. I was constantly cheated on but he would turn it around and make himself the insecure one. He’d say things like “You know i’d lose my sh*t if you were cheating right?” Or if i caught him cheating, he’d turn it around and say “why are you looking through my phone?”
One of those times I really took it to heart. I never, ever want to be the person who looks through someone’s phone. That’s an invasion of privacy and that to me shows my partner that I don’t trust him. But I found myself always checking his phone. My mom always said “those who go looking for something, will find everything. ” And I did. I found everything. So, every time I would confront him about it, I’d get it thrown right back at my face. I remember one time, I asked him to look through his phone and he said “that’s kind of stupid that you would want to do that when I said I’d change. ” I remember yelling at him “no. I never wanted to look through your phone in the first place, but every time i’d get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach to look through one specific app, and I’d always find something. So it’s not stupid that i’m insecure, it’s stupid that you would betray me for stupid bitches every day causing me to want to look through your phone. ” And what did I do the next minute? I apologize for lashing out.
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For two years, I found myself self conscious and always trying to lose weight, shrink my waist, keep my thicker thighs, grow my butt, keep my boobs showing, long straight hair, beautiful nails, etc. I found myself comparing myself to other girls and thinking “oh what a bitch” every time a girl would look at him. I’d snap and every time he said he was going to a party, i’d be looking through everyone’s snapchats to make sure he wasn’t in the background touching some random girl. I was angry and sad, and I didn’t respect myself. I went to sleep crying at night, and woke up feeling sorry for HIM. I would say “i’m sorry i’m not good enough” and would even excuse his cheating by pointing out flaws in myself. I know what you’re thinking… “Girl. What the hell are you on?” Well, now taking a look back on what it was that I was doing to myself, I realized I was acting on desire. I was one of the most popular girls in my school. Not because I was wealthy and ‘cute’. But I was the very honest, quick to call you out, doesn’t stand for anyone’s BS, funny and can listen to anyone and gives the best advice type of girl. I would play devil’s advocate every time, I’m considered an empath. I feed on people’s emotions and get vibes off of others. People confided in me. This guy, was the linebacker on the football team. One of the biggest, toughest, scariest guys on there, and yet one of the most attractive. He was known to be a bit of a player. But because people knew we liked each other, we ended up liking the attention. We were “relationship goals” for a long time. But when did desire take place? Well, I loved the attention, i loved the fact that I had a consistent partner. I didn’t want to start over and have everyone ask “what happened with you and him?” or form their own opinions. I didn’t have an amazing life at home, and he somehow still took me away from that. I desired that best friendship and rush I got from him. I desired that feeling of “he loves me so much, he’s just hurt, he’ll change for me. I can change him. ” I desired that future with the hottest person in the school. I desired that attention I got from everyone.
The passion, desire, fueled my soul and overcame what would instead be my rational thoughts. Any other person would leave. I would have left, but all I knew was that high school bubble. In so many occasions, I thought to myself “you’re so beautiful, and deserve better. You give so much to him. You give him love, support, a shoulder to cry on. ” I was his best friend, but he wasn’t mine. And I had every motive to leave. I knew I should have left. But all I could feel, was the desire to have somebody. Somebody in my life, somebody in my future, somebody always there. That somebody who can give me the attention I never got anywhere else. Yeah, I had ‘friends’ who wouldn’t even bat an eye if i had a problem, but would always ask me to help. But I desired that, person. So I stayed. There, I acted on my souls wish. My soul’s emotion, but was never thinking right.