I’ve decided to start Blogging as feel it’s something I have wanted to do for long time but never had the confidence or courage to share my life with others.
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Many of us face ups and downs in our lives some of us face more downs than ups.
A lot of my friends have never really understood why I started to attend church. I always believed there was something more in this life but wasn’t sure what it was. Growing up I attended a catholic church up till I was ten and decided to go to a baptist church as the youth club was better. I started to attend the youth camps and I grew to know who God was.
At the age of 14 I went through traumatic experience where I was raped. My whole world fell apart the confident full of life teenager became withdrawn and I lost trust in people. It was that year at the camp that I understood who God was and I became a Christian. Understanding Gods love and being in that environment helped me face the many challenges that lay ahead. I will talk about those challenges later on.
I spent years hiding from the pain that sexual abuse and rape brought on my life because I didn’t want deal with the pain. It manifested in extraordinarily low self esteem and made me vulnerable to dysfunctional relationships. Thank you to the people who showed me Gods unconditional love it helped me to see that I do have value and purpose. It also helped me to understand that I was loved.
Often our misdirected efforts to cope with pain lead us into deeper places or despair. Attempts to escape pain can create unhealthy patterns such as drug or alcohol dependency, eating disorders or self harm. We must face our pain to overcome it with God it is possible. Jeremiah 6.14 you cannot heal a wound by saying its not there .
There was a time in my life where I could not say or hear the word rape this something am still trying to overcome. My secrets made me sick. They kept me isolated and afraid of getting close to people incase they seen behind the mask I wore. I often believe if I spoke about it something bad would happen. Sometimes we have to break the silence and be a voice for the children we once were who had no power and no voice. James 5.16 confess you sins to each other and pray for each other so you may be healed. Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves proverbs 3v1. Don’t stay silent if you being abused or know somebody who is. There is help and support out there if need more information private message me. A secret shared is better than secret buried its eats away at you.
I used to believe a lot of lies. They were so woven into the fabric of my being that they became my personal truth. I believed that I was worthless, stupid, and unlovable.
My life reflected what I thought to be true, because I made choices based on those deep beliefs. In essence, my thoughts shaped my beliefs, my beliefs dictated my actions and ultimately led to habitually poor choices
Transformation and healing often requires a “make-over” of the mind. Many of us spend a lot of time on our outer appearance.
Questions I kept asking myself.
Be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Romans 13.2) Take captive of every thought to make it obedient to Christ 2 corinthians 10v5. The Lord your God goes before you and will be with you he won’t leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid do not be discouraged Deuteronomy 31v8. These verses helped me to answer those questions that took over my mind.
At one point or another, most of us have been a victim of something. Whether it is abuse, discrimination, wrongdoing, or a false accusation, being a victim can be painful, frustrating, and even devastating.
Depending on the circumstances, victimization can leave us with a profound sense of powerlessness and even hopelessness. I felt both of these.
The truth is, we get to choose whether or not we will remain a victim. We can’t change what happened to us yesterday but we can decide where we will go from here. Daily I choose not to be a victim and remind myself I am a survivor. Even though, I went through a horrendous trauma I have came through it because of help and support of the people that loved me including God.
Now in all these things we are more than conquers through him who loves us. Romans 8v37.
I used to think that some things were simply unforgivable, rape and murder among them. I felt completely justified in hating the guy who raped me. To forgive him seemed to mean that what he did was OK, and it wasn’t.
What I have since discovered is that forgiveness isn’t endorsement and it certainly isn’t accompanied by warm, fuzzy feelings. Forgiveness is a choice we make.
The directive to forgive those who have wronged us comes from God. He asks this of us, not because it is easy, but because it is good. In fact, He knows, better than anyone, the cost of forgiveness.
God himself models what He asks of us. He asks us to forgive others, just as He generously extends His forgiveness to us. (Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32 ESV, Mark 11:25 MSG)
Jesus paid with his very life. He knows the cost. But, He also knows the freedom it brings.
As I have committed to the hard work of forgiveness, I have discovered that it is a vertical transaction between God, and me, more than it is a horizontal one between me, and another human.
I have heard it said that forgiveness is setting someone free, and realizing the prisoner was you. At first I forgave out of obedience; but when I finally forgave, I realized that I was the one being held captive by my unforgiveness.
For years, I was filled with hatred and rage towards the person who raped me. To be quite frank, I even wished he would die. Harsh words but I want him to suffer the pain he inflicted on me. He took my virginity something I could never get back. He turned my world upside down.
Unforgiveness holds me as a prisoner and the only way to be set free is to set them free. Its understanding what forgiveness is. You are not saying its ok what person did because it’s totally not. You are letting go choosing to forgive and allow God to judge that person according to there actions.
With rage and bitterness absent from my heart, there is room for more precious things like joy, hope and gratitude. Its not easy to do this and takes time its took me over 15 years to be at this place after battling with it for so long. He ask us to forgive others just as he generously extends his forgiveness to us. Ephesians 5 Be kind and compassionate to one another forgiving each other, just as christ forgave you. I still have choose to do this everyday as it’s incredibly hard.
I remember the first time I shared my story in-front of the youth group as they came in, a woman looked at me and said, “Are you sure you want to do this? People will never look at you the same. I felt it was right to share my story with them. The Youth needed to understand as adults we have issues to and we are far from perfect.
As the fear kicked in and anxiety started to creep up I ran to the bathroom to be sick. Sharing my story was big part of letting go well at least I thought. I am still working on completely letting go and its a daily battle. I hope one day I will be completely free. Sharing my story with the youth allowed me to be able to help some of the young girls who were going through horrendous times. I was able to share my experience and help them on their journey. Some of them came to know God.
There are people who need to hear your story. There are people on the other end of your perseverance. They are counting on you to overcome the obstacles you are facing and to be brave enough to share. When we share our story, we give the gift of “me too.” We help people to tangibly understand that they are not alone. Some people need hear that someones been through what they have.
Don’t ever let anyone tell you differently. Sharing my story on this blog is a big step out of my comfort zone and is incredibly hard. I share it because want help others to know they not alone and they can over come this. Remember your not victim you are a survivor.
God’s plan for your life includes hope, prosperity and an abundant life. The enemy’s plan is to steal, kill and destroy (Jeremiah 29:11, John 10:10).
And yet in the midst of circumstances that might tempt me to call my faith into question and make me wonder if the enemy’s plan is winning out, I have come to the conclusion that God is, in fact, good, His character can be trusted, and that His plan is still good. It has took a lot years for me to truly believe this but I know I would not be where I am today without God. After attempting to end my life on many occasions seeing how God pulled through those times.
Again and again, beyond all logic and reason, I have watched him take tragedy and pain, hardship and loss, and use it all for good.
The story of Joseph is a beautiful illustration of this principle. To an outsider, it may have appeared that the enemy’s plan was prevailing in his life. He was sold into slavery by his own brothers and later wrongly imprisoned based on false accusations. Through all of this, he maintained his character and his faith in God. And the Lord was with Joseph (Genesis 39:21)
My own life reflects this truth. God has used the pain from my past and the mistakes I have made to help other people. In future I like set up some kind of woman’s ministry to help and support woman to be free of there past and to be able to look to a future full of purpose.
I know that God will do abundantly and above what we could ever imagine. If we let Him, He can and will take every single thing the enemy meant for harm in your life and use it for good!
Some of you might find this hard to read as you don’t see my vulnerable side you only see the person I choose to show you. This incredibly hard for me to share and I haven’t shared it for sympathy at all. I wanted to share my blog to be able to help others and for people to understand why my faith is important to me. I still have lot I would like to share but having confidence to do it. It has took a lot for me to blog all of this but definitely feel it is the right time.
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